**______Show me how to love like You have loved me
Wednesday, July 25, 2007 @ 3:34 PM
i think i have never ever felt so down since a long long time. and it has always been the same issue bothering. i really really have come to a place that i feel so exasperated and eshausted. totally do not know what else can i do to salvage the situation. i try not to rely on human strength. i know He's perfecting love in me. but still, its tough. it's tough fighting this battle. this never ending battle. every ounce of muscle inside of me is crying out to give up. to let go. at the end of the day, what has this gotta do with me? i so want to take the easy way out and just heck care about everything. but broad is the way that leads to destruction. i know i can't take the easy way out. i don't want to. i don't want to be so easily defeated. yet its so difficult going through the narrow gate, only to be left tattered and torn.
life is full of controversies.
life is full of contradictions.
Thursday, July 19, 2007 @ 10:25 AM
woOo.. im so bored in office now, waiting for my colleague to come and give me work to do. AND i have forgotten to bring my phone, so there's nothing else i can play with except for my dear lappie. AND my bible which is inside my phone is gone too =(
hmmm. really feel that we are in a season of God wanting to do a mightier work and pour out His Spirit unto us. Only that we have to ask, and we will receive. Really excited at what God is going to do this coming sem. Somehow God has put faith in me to see the more exciting things that He will do. But i know i also struggle with the problem of boldness. i can't explain why but it's just like that. perhaps i need a renewed mind in this area ba. and still learning how to just flow in His Spirit.
seriously i don't know how much will it work. i hope it does. i pray it does. really need so much divine intervention because out of human strength nothing can be achieved. and how limited is my human love. Pst Che Ahn is right. we need to be so continually filled by the Spirit so that we will not reach a point whereby we've become so dry. and God made me realize how important it is to intercede for her. If it pains me even to see someone fall away, what more God, Who is the creator of all and loves us all with a love that cannot be compared to anything else on earth. It is now time to stand in the gap and fight a battle that even the person involved does not know. I know it will cost tremendously to do so. But i guess the bottomline is: as long as i am willing, it does not matter how much it will cost.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007 @ 10:14 AM
all of a sudden i feel so much like penning down my thoughts. recently they have been so overwhelming that i can't seem to figure out exactly what they are. but something really touched me at the last cell meeting. that genuineness of care and concern. that selflessness of giving of oneself. that openness of heart. i think it is really what we all lack. not to say it's to compare. but i just feel that there has to be something more than just being superficial. there has to be more of giving of self. beyond obligation. beyond what is ought to be done. above all, just to do certain things because one wants to bless. but somehow in the midst of lamenting and asking God why, i guess He is teaching me to see certain things that are hidden. Things which may not be visible as of yet but God sees the potential in each of us. It is really to learn to see that beautiful side of everyone, instead of just complaining about one another. To see what He sees in each of us. And it is so true that when a person is willing to give of himself or herself unconditionally, it is really contagious. Then others will want to give also. Such an amazing truth. So, who is willing to be that first one???? It's never gonna be easy to take that first step, but... i think it's worth it. =)
well, and God is really teaching me how to manage my time. It has never occurred to me this way but giving of oneself includes time as well. perhaps the most precious thing one can give unto another is time. I'm really learning to spend less time on what I want to do and what God wants me to do. There are just so many burdens about certain people and things in my heart that i seem to take them so lightly and chuck them aside in my heart. In the end i end up missing what God wants to do through me and what He is speaking in that particular season.
Thursday, March 29, 2007 @ 3:08 AM
woHoo.. here i come blogging again!! hahaha its been really a long long time since my last entry. all thanks to my laziness.. =p
love love love. i really do not want to love with my own strength. i do not know what else to do. what to think. what to say. what to ask for. God, help me!! i so want to cast away my own desires and needs. but every inch of my carnal self is rebelling against me. well, however, i have confidence that i would have victory over this one day. just as Christ have victory over death. i just need to pray. pray. and pray.
Friday, November 24, 2006 @ 12:42 AM
it's been ages since i've blogged. im so sorry to those who come to read my blog once in a while (if there's any.. haha), hoping to find something new, something exciting, something interesting down here. oops. im so sorry =/hehe.
finally finished 4 papers!!!! left with one last paper. all the way!! woooh. for some strange reason i totally have no mood to study now. though im left with my only closed book exam and its not supposed to be an easy module. hahaha. i jus feel so much like blogging. going back to the old times when i blog and sort out my thoughts at the same time.
just watched superstar. and my official new crush is daren!! haha. he's sooo cute lo. i love his dimples. watch out for his performance next week k??!! lol. when was the last time i had a crazy crush? think it was j1. *sheepish smile* (my classmates will know who it was) sometimes its really good to have some random crushes. it helps u forget about some reality about certain stuff. reality is, perhaps, always cruel. hahaha. and its really funny to see people you know on tv being a star. it makes me rethink about the stage im at. its like, wah, i've reached the time when people can become popstar leh!! and its quite funny also to see dhs people down there, cox people's perception of us has always been: eeeks, arent they all nerdy and only know how to study meh? hahaha. well, dawn and angie proved them wrong. hereby wishing all the best to dawn and diya as well!! jiayou wor!! i will support you guys! =)
was reading my old old entries. i always liked reading what i wrote. it made me realize how much i've changed over the years. u mean i was like that in the past? how dumb? haha i will always wonder to myself. its really really amazing how God changed me over this one year. i think change is an understatement. the word should be transform. circumstances which i go through, now im beginning to see each and every one of its purpose. its an amazing God whom i serve. =))
what's the funniest thing that can happen in a hostel room? when one fell asleep while studying at her table cross-legged, and attempted to shift to her bed. then she realized she cant even feel her legs and they jus couldnt support her tiny body, and she fell and tripped over her bed. lying right on her porcupine. thank God for the porcupine. she could have fell on the floor with a concussion or something. yes, that's me. totally dumb. and i realised i sprained my ankle after that. just great. =/
Sunday, August 27, 2006 @ 1:16 AM
@ 12:59 AM
广岛之恋 词曲 张洪量
to the passer-by..........
Monday, August 14, 2006 @ 12:37 AM
just realized it's been more than a month since i've updated. but well, life is still the same old stuff, so nothing much to write also. except for the fact that i am finally done with all my camps. yes! so time to focus on studies again!!~ *sigh* but one thing that is worthy to note is that my OG won the best OG!! hahah. though i don't understand why but.. TROIKA u rocks!! =D
it has also been more than one month since reality had hit me so hard. almost knocked me down but thank God that i was able to stand again. =) it was easier than i thought. well, yet i know it is going to be another test in the coming semester. test of my patience. test of my love. test of my longsuffering. many things are more than a coincidence. i feel like crying out to God and stop Him from making it happen. but i know, He must have His reasons, and all i ever need to do - is to obey. and that is when my frustration stops and no longer taking things into my own hands. for i know, God is in control.
certain things are getting on my nerves. from experience i know what it all means. there is this curious part of me that wants to know the truth so much. however, it will only put myself in a more difficult position even if i know. so i guess i better heed my friend's advice and pretend that nothing has happened before anything actually happens, if there is any.
Friday, July 07, 2006 @ 11:31 AM
so many things have happened within this 1 week, so overwhelming. seriously speaking, a lil bit too overwhelming for me to take. but well, what choice have i got? yah, it is always hard to accept the fact when the reality sinks in. when the thing which you are most afraid of has happened. not that im dumb or what, just that i kept avoiding thinking about it. perhaps it is good that God is knocking some sense into me. i do need Him to constantly do that to wake me up. now that i've woken up, i see no point in trying all ways and means to mend this friendship anymore, or even to keep it. yah, xiong was right. sometimes i really am too nice. there has to be a limit yah? i guess so. i think i've reached my limit already.
i feel upset for him that he's gone back to his old sinful ways. its just like a leopard never changes his spots. his foundation was never rooted in rock but sandy ground, that's why when wind and storm come he stumbles and falls. it breaks my heart to see a person once being renewed by Christ fall away. and it breaks God's heart even more.
i dont understand these people, really. they have a chance to live a better live yet they reject it. well, yah, it's their choice.
Saturday, May 27, 2006 @ 12:53 AM
wOohO~ feeling rather shack now, spent the whole day (almost =p) at Pumpfest '06. haha. though i wasn't in the main committee and most of the time was just standing and walking around, looking after the participants in the isolation area, it sure is tiring too! hiaks. well, it is my first time at a bouldering competition, and it is definitely an eye opener. i didn't know that bouldering can be such an exciting event as well. hahah. at least to me. and the best thing is: one of the participants is this little boy who used to be my co junior at dhs, he is now in tjc rock climbing team and he ranked first in the novice men category!! when i watched him climb i was like, woah woAh!! he's good man!! *impressed* haha so proud of him!! =)
As i see those participants' faces brimming with passion when they talked about climbing, it reminded me so much of you. you used to spend hours talking to me about climbing terms and techniques that sounded like Greek to me. spending 4 days a week training out in the sun was just peanuts to you, and you can't seem to have enough of climbing. you were so proud of your tan and you always had to haolian to me that you were finally more tanned than i was. -_-'' perhaps it was a blessing in disguise that you couldn't make it to the school you initially wanted. i had always thought that you would make a good leader, but those teachers in our school didn't even give you a chance. until now i still can't believe that they actually accused you without having any evidence. you know i was so happy for you when i knew your leadership was being recognised in your school. finally things were turning a lil better in your life. but that was also the last healthy year of yours. you simply loved your rock climbing team. you couldn't wait for me to get to know every single one of your committee member. you kept telling me how pretty your vice-chairman was, how zai your secretary or treasurer was, and blah blah blah.. haha. so maybe i looked like i was interested in girls to you? then suddenly, i wondered how it would be if you were there at the competition. haha. i sure would be cheering even louder than those jc girls man~~ and i realized, i have never seen you climb. so many competitions that you went to, i didn't even go for a single one. i can imagine you hanging on the wall, swinging from tile to tile. i want so much to be there supporting you, crying out your name, cheering you on. and i can practically see that spastic smile on your face when you finish a route.
i missed those days when you always called to complain to me about scouts, your rock climbing problems, and the girl you liked. i missed those days when there was someone who remembered to buy gifts for me wherever he went. i missed those days when i received a big heart-shaped cushion on Valentines' Day. i missed those days when we used to hug before each of your operations. i missed those days when we held hands beside your bed until you fell asleep, and I would squeeze yours to comfort you cox i knew you were actually feeling so scared deep inside. but you were always putting on a brave front not to make us worry. i felt so helpless when i saw your health deteriorate day by day, i wished i could be the one lying on the bed instead of you.
it was funny that so many people had mistaken two of us as couple. perhaps it is really hard for others to understand, but i do believe that platonic love exists.
yes, my friend, i love you.
Saturday, May 13, 2006 @ 1:56 AM
@ 1:19 AM
it's bad that i tend to miss out things around me. all the while i know about the fact that they are building an IKEA in pasir ris. but it was only few days ago that i realized this IKEA's location is at a place where i can't possibly miss out. since that place is where the bus which i take home will always pass by. and i take that bus almost every other day. i was so amazed that i didn't see it all these while. then suddenly it reminded me that there are things which God wants to do in my life, but because i wasn't always 'tuning in' to listen to Him or being distracted or any other reasons, i miss them out. i was so afraid. i no longer want to miss out the things which God wants to accomplish through me anymore. there is only one timing for each thing. if you miss it, you miss it for life. well, i hope it's not too late to realize it now =/
ok. back to my holiday life. haha. just came back from 3D2N genting trip with ben and angie. i have to admit that the theme parks there really need some upgrading. except for the flying coaster and maybe the corkscrew, the rest are really nothing much. lol. and thank God it stopped raining in the late afternoon on the second day, if not we will really be disappointed that we couldnt't get to play at the outdoor theme park at all since it started raining in the early noon. hmm. also discovered some interesting facts about guys and hotels. lol. or maybe i should say bennett and hotels. i shall not generalize nor say too much here. i don't want threats anymore =p oh. i forgot to mention that the second night we got so high because we were all so bored that.. haha.. angie and i did some 'fun' stuff.. wahaha.. when will we ever get so high again?! =D
there is something which i have been wanting to do yet have no courage to. hmm. or maybe, i no longer see the point in doing it like what my dear friend has reminded me. but, well, since i have prepared every other thing that i need, it seems like a waste if i don't do it. if doing it is not going to change anything then what is the point of doing? hmm. true. but if i don't do it how i know it will not change anything?
Monday, May 01, 2006 @ 11:16 PM
ok. exams finally have ended. but for some reason it's a weird feeling that i am having. yes i am relieved that i no longer have to stuff in chunks and chunks of info and cramp them inside my tiny brain. at the same time after exams also mean to say reality is setting in. not as if i was not facing reality all along, but still, i know that somehow the holidays is going to make a difference. things will change and it all depends on my response to them. i don't know how different things are going to be but i guess i just have to leave them for God to decide. the last thing that i want to do is to disobey Him. just pray that He will continue to speak to me as time passes by and make things clearer as to how they should be.
indeed it is a season of breaking. i want to experience that broken-ness in my life and be made whole again by God. and it is going to take a whole lot of yieldings to have that complete broken-ness. pray hard that i will not be lost in the middle of all these. i want to see how God sees me as a person. sometimes we like to limit what God can do with our finite brains and mindsets, little do we realize that He is the almighty One who made heaven and earth, who made the whole galaxy and mankind, what is it that we should limit Him with our limited minds? i am looking forward to what God can do beyond what i am able to think.. God, You are able..
Wednesday, April 19, 2006 @ 1:56 AM
some things which a friend whom i haven't been in contact for so long said just struck a chord in my heart. haha. it's weird how some old friends can still guess what's on your mind after not talking for so long. i'm impressed. lol. he asked me not to give up so easily. maybe that was me in the past. things which were so dearly to me i won't let go easily. i will still hold on to it until i can't hold it anymore. but right now.. i don't see the point of holding on. it's kinda silly, thinking back, to even hold on to certain things which were never meant to be.
it's weird that when people grow older, certain things seem to have lost their meaning. you start to feel sick when the same things keep happening to you. i don't know if it's just me or what. tired. is the only word to describe how i feel. i'm tired and drained. God, give me the strength and courage to carry on...
Tuesday, April 11, 2006 @ 2:00 AM
woOoOh~ its time to mug again. it's kind of irritating to think of having to be buried in books after 3 months of school. 3 months?! it was only one term back in secondary school. now that i have to fully grasp everything and go for exams! madness! sigh. who says university is easier one? Who??!! but well, the thought of another 3 months of holidays probably compensate everything.. hahah. looking forward to it already.. =D
just had two wonderful meetings with Heidi Baker, a woman of God who fully lays down her life for God. the compassion of Jesus that she has for the poor is really admirable. more importantly, i feel that it is really a season of lifting eyes off ourselves. just as what God has been speaking to me for the past few weeks. it just confirms what God has spoken forth. of course it is not easy. it requires plenty of yieldings and humblings and breakings in our lives. it is not easy. but we all need to come to this place. to care less about ourselves. what we want in our lives. what we need for our lives. or even what we want to achieve. instead, to cry out to God, what is it that the world needs? indeed the fields are ripe for harvest; but the labourers are few. we seriously need to step out of our comfort zone, and attend to the needs of this world. and it all starts with a small step at a time.
i want to empty everything inside of me Lord, that You may fill me with Your Spirit.
Thursday, April 06, 2006 @ 1:50 AM
却 多了一丝无奈 与失落
难道 要抓住美好的事物 真的是遥不可及吗
thank You Jesus.
Sunday, March 19, 2006 @ 10:46 PM
"rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks, for this is the will of Jesus Christ for you." - 1 thess 5:16-18
yes indeed, thank God for everything that He has revealed to me. things which i would never want to admit if not for the things which happened. definitely they are no coincidence. it was God who interceded. it was God who loves me so much that He has preserved me and protected me. God, i thank You. Your grace is amazing. it is beyond the comprehension of man. What is it of man that we should place our trust in them? man are just small and frail and weak. we fall into temptations easily. but God, You are the only One who is unchanging. i place my trust in You and You alone......
in this, i also wanna thank all those who were there for me all this while. who rushed down in cab to talk to me. who listened to me. who supported me. who smsed me to see if im fine. who gave me encouraging words. =) THANK YOU!!!!
Monday, February 20, 2006 @ 1:28 AM
woah.. had a good heart to heart talk with my shepherd just now. hmmm. it was really one of the rare chances whereby we talked about so many things.. church, cell group, relationships, friends.. it was such a blessed fellowship. =) learnt so many things today, through talking to her, as well as my first day as an usher in church! heh. i guess its really God's way of maturing me. He wants me to lift my eyes off myself and to show more care and concern to people around me. to be always so sensitive to their needs and wants, not only my own or people whom i am closer to. there is this need for me to be less self-centred. to open up myself more to other brothers and sisters-in-Christ. yes, i shall ask God to put in my heart the renewal of mind in this area. i really need to be constantly reminded so that i will not forget so easily, and really be determined to be changed totally.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006 @ 1:59 AM
hmm. its 2 hrs past valentine's day. well, i know i have all the reasons in the world to be happy cox of this occasion, with gifts and chocs... but then i just cant shirk off this moody feeling deep inside me. its again one of those times i am having my mood swings. haha. though i rarely have them seriously speaking. but, i cant really explain how i felt. i cant explain why am i feeling so moody. why on earth am i upset. and i hate it when i feel so lost about how i feel. =/ or perhaps, i know the reasons, just that i dont want to admit it, since it is really a pretty stupid and dumb and childish thing to be upset with. wadever it is, i know i will be alright the moment i wake up tomorrow, or so i hope. *shrug*
i am really getting busy. with school work piling up each day, omc and atc preparation work to be done, hall biz mag as well as hall drama production, dont really know if i can cope with so many stuffs going on at the same time. seriously, i am getting sick of hall life. sick of all the activities that i have to do so as to stay in the same room. sick of the food at ntu. hahaha. i miss my mum's cooking!! well, i am thinking of not going to stay in hall next sem. which means i gotta travel 2 hrs to and fro every day. hai. the thought of it doesnt sound really good either. i shall see how first lah.
well, how i wish xl can be here listening to my grievances and complains right now.. its a silly thought i know. but still, i am so afraid that time will make my memories of him fade away, the last thing i want to do is to forget him.
Thursday, February 02, 2006 @ 1:37 AM
waaah.. what i just typed here is all gone!! arrghh.. stupid blogger.. now i have no more mood to write the stuff le.. will update again.. =/